A TASTE OF THE BALONEY

Doctor: I’m not sure what is causing your headaches. It could be alcohol.

Patient: That’s okay doctor. I’ll come back when you’re sober.

Doctor, Doctor . . .

Doctor, Doctor: Everyone Thinks I’m a Liar.

I Don’t Believe You.

Doctor, Doctor: I Keep Seeing Double.

Please Sit on the Couch.

Which One?

Doctor, Doctor: I Swallowed a Bone.

Are You Choking?

No, I’m Very Serious.

Doctor, Doctor: I Have Amnesia.

It Might Ease Your Mind If You Forget about It for a While.

Doctor, Doctor: My Little Boy just Swallowed a Roll of Film.

Let’s Hope Nothing Bad Develops.

LIMERICKS
There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

There once was an artist named Saint,  Who swallowed some samples of paint.  All shades of the spectrum  Flowed out of his rectum  With a colorful lack of restraint.

Patient: I'm under so much stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, you ignorant cretin!

ANTI-JOKES
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. They sit down, order drinks and discuss current events.
What did one fish in the aquarium say to the other fish? It honestly depends on the species and situation—but, believe it or not, fish can communicate via a myriad of mediums, including body language, changes in color, sounds, and even electrical impulses.

25 REAL CHURCH BULLETIN

BOARD NOTICES

. . .

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Our Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

. . .

CLASSES FOR WOMEN TAUGHT BY MEN

Class 2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 11

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Real Headlines from Newspapers and the Web:

March Planned For Next August.

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped.

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice.

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope.

Top 20 Pick-up Lines for Broadneckians

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

I think I've seen your picture somewhere. Oh yes, it was in the encyclopedia under SHA-BAM!

Kiss me if I'm wrong, but have we met?

25 Questions to Ponder

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

25 Reasons It’s Great to Be a Guy

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

One mood, ALL the time.

CLASSES FOR MEN TAUGHT BY WOMEN

Class 1

How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2

hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 8

The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven. What it is and How it is Used.

Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

14 Reasons Some Men Have Dogs instead of Wives

The later you are, the happier your dog is to see you.

A dog’s parents never visit.

Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

20 Things You Would Never Know without the Movies

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
  Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

25 REAL ANSWERS TO A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so He took the Sabbath off.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

FOR SURE BROADNECK FOLKLORE

It is good luck to sprinkle salt on the shoes of a jaywalking in-law from Bay Hills.

It is bad luck to suggest remedies to a barfing kleptomaniac from St. Margaret’s.

It is good luck to practice empty posturing with another borderline intellectual from Cape.

It is bad luck to tip an inebriated hairdresser from anywhere on Broadneck.

It is good luck to point at a whimpering nutritionist from Mago Vista.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

JACK HANDEY’S

HILARIOUS TALE:

What I Would Say to the Martians

Reprinted with Permission

“Any Way You Slice It, Baby”